do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
