just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
