I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
