just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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