Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
