His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
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They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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