Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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