i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
