I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
