Im at strip club and am horny
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
