I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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