Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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