Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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