i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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