all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
