Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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