I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
honey bunches of taint.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
