New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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