Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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