what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dude i'm inner monologue high
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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