oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
