first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
