Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
