the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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