We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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