We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
