Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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