Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
