i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
