I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
