i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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