That's when you crack a 10am beer
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
