Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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