i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
