I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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