I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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