I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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