have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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