mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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