Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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