i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
