can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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