He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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