nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
