just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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