Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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