I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
