i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
