Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
