I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
