He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
