We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
