if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
