PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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