Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
