I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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