...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
